Ben: The Ignorant Yank Visits Dublin

Dear Journal,

I’d like to take some time and examine this poor civilization of Ireland that I have experienced in my nearly two weeks time here. We in America are well aware of all the resources we have, and, intelligently, choose to exploit them in any way we can. That’s the American way, and in all honesty, just the smart way of living. It seems these deprived misguided souls of the Emerald Isle have lost their way, and in living here, I have noticed some specific differences between the greatest country on Earth and this strangely underprivileged nation.
Someone on this island must think that planet world is going to dry up, because for some reason, water doesn’t seem to do the same job over here. All I ask is that when I get into the shower, I can feel a nice hard blast of warm water for 90 minutes or so. I turn the knobs over here and get a stream that I could get better with an upturned drinking glass! When I do laundry, I expect to be able to throw in 23 pairs of jeans, and it better be done in 32 minutes—I’m an American, I don’t wait. Instead, I have to shove my Abercrombie and Fitch cargo shorts into a hole the size of a Pringles can and wait a relatively unreasonable amount of time to properly wash my clothing! Unbelievable! They won’t even give me some ice water with my steak unless I ask for it. They bring me out some tea, which is hot for some reason, or coffee. It’s not even the morning! What is with these loopy people?
Speaking of cold drinks, what is the deal with having no variety in beverages here? At home, I have refrigerated cases and cases full of choices with which to pour down my gullet, and that’s the way I like it. How am I supposed to find something delicious to suck back when all I’ve got to choose from are Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine Free Diet Coke, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Sprite, Sprite Light, Fanta, Fanta Light, Fanta Icy Lemon, Lilt, Diet Lilt, Tanora, Deep RiverRock, Vittel, Fruice, Snapple, Schweppes, Oasis, Powerade and Lucozade? Where’s my Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper? Where’s my Nesquik Cookies ‘n Cream Flavored Milkshake?
I walk down the street in this backwards town of Dublin, and everywhere I look there are little girl cars. I’ll take the Ford F-350 double-cab pickup, thank you very much. Everything is so “energy efficient” and “moderately sized”. Don’t these people know you can’t tow a trailer with an Opel? I’ve never needed to use my truck for that, but I definitely could if I wanted to. I’ve thought this over through and through, and the only thing I can figure is that there must be some sort of metal shortage crisis here.
I am counting down the days until I can return to my homeland of drive-thru and dollar menu, of privilege and pork rinds. I’m looking forward to emptying out my pockets full of these weird money tokens so I can buy a four-leaf clover fanny pack to take home.

Sincerely,

Iggy Yankler